Struggle To Survive Series
Story Of Ryan Matthews
By John Allen

This is the fictious story of a young boy named Ryan Matthews. 
All names, places, and other things of the such are ficticious.  Any similarities to actual events may be an accident.  So...Enjoy the read.

Struggle To Survive
Part One Of Three



It was a cold, damp, snowy Minnesota night on the ninth day of January. It was dark and dreary. It was a night unlike any other. But yet, just like every other night. The only thing that was different about it was how he viewed it.
It had not been a good week for young Ryan Matthews. Earlier in the week this fifteen year old, blue eyed, brown haired boy attempted to kill himself. This was nothing new for Ryan; he has attempted suicide three times. Each time, got more serious and led to a state of depression.
* * * *
June, 1998- During this month Ryan fell in a mild depression. One of the first times he had ever experienced it at a length. He got really low on himself and thought that life was not worth living at all. During the second day of his depression he could not take it anymore and thought of ending it all, and he tried too. He put rope around his neck and tied it tight and he suffocated himself. He ended up blacking out for over three hours. It was a close call for Ryan, but in the end he was thankful to be alive and happy. He did not know how he survived that incident. There truly are angels making differences in every ones life, he thought to himself.
June, 2000- Ryan started doing well in school again. He was making a lot of new friends, and was happy to be alive since he had experienced depression two years earlier. During the midst of all of his good fortune Ryan fell into depression again. This was a deeper depression than that of which he experienced in 1998 and that scared Ryan. He got afraid, and thought the only way to stop the feelings was to stop everything and end it all. To the normal person that would not make any sense but to Ryan it seemed like the only solution; the only way to solve the problem. So Ryan made a light cut across his wrist, but not deep cut where it would cause any severe pain or scares, because deep down inside Ryan knew he did not want to die.
* * * *
On the outside Ryan seemed to be a normal kid, which he was. He did well in school; he would hang out with his friends, and would do what would be considered normal kid things. Ever since he slit his wrist back in June of 2000, he has been getting more and more depressed. During all of this time, he did not know that he was depressed; he just knew he was a little unhappy. But what kids aren't unhappy? While he was getting progressively worse, his friends did not see his downfall he had had. Ryan made sure of that. He knew that if they ever found out, they would treat him differently. So Ryan did not tell anyone about his problems he has been facing. He thought he could handle them all by himself, and did not want any extra attention brought to him. Ryan thought he was protecting himself, and keeping himself from getting hurt even more, by having his friends play a less important role in his life.
In November of 2001 Ryan started a relationship with Sandra, who was in Ryan's English class that semester. They would talk to each other every night on the internet and then would talk for an hour or so each night on the phone before they went to bed. Ryan was always comforted by her, and would fall asleep a lot easier after talking to her. Sandra, who she herself was mildly depressed, developed this relationship to make her happy; which it did. But while Sandra was telling Ryan about all of her stories that have been harmful to her in her life, it left Ryan feeling more depressed because he had not want anything bad to happen to her; for she was the most important person in his life at that time.
It was now December of that year and Sandra's depression had almost completely gone away, but instead of Ryan becoming happier, he got more depressed. Ryan thought that he was taking her depression on himself in order to rid her of it. In late December Sandra went on vacation for two weeks, and during those two weeks, Ryan felt alone and even more depressed.
When she came back in January of 2002, Ryan was so happy to talk to her again, but during the trip she was on, she met someone else. That crushed Ryan's heart, because he wanted to be with her, he had told her everything in his life. She was the first person Ryan talked to about it, and she seemed to help. The time Ryan needed her most she was not there.
On the ninth day of January, Ryan had just gotten home from school and went on the internet in hope to find Sandra and talk to her, but she was not. Later that night, Ryan was home alone and was sitting on his bed in his bedroom. He had the second largest bedroom in the house, but he had to share it with his older brother, Wade, who was attending a nearby college about an hour away. Ryan looked around his room and saw that he had more than he had ever needed or deserved. He had a television, a very comfortable bed, two Nintendo systems, and a load of compact discs, but right now, those things meant nothing to him. He did not want to admit that he was more blessed that half of the population in the world. He then turned to his window, wiped off some moisture, and looked down at the newly laid layer of snow, and saw the light reflecting off the snow. While he was looking at the snow, everything vanished and he saw his life. He saw the memories of playing basketball with his brother, riding the bike for the first time without training wheels. He then saw Sandra with her new boyfriend. He saw the memories with his father. He was yelling at Ryan, he was cursing at Wade. Ryan hated what he had seen. He got furious. He wanted revenge. Then Ryan went to his notebook. He ripped out all the pages of poetry and notes he had written when he was happy. He took his pen, he wrote down in large printed letters, YOU COULD OF STOPPED THIS, BUT WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU, BUT I AM SORRY, I AM REALLY SORRY! Tear drops rolled off his eye and then hit the paper. Please, try and forgive me. He then signed it; it has been a struggle for me to survive lately, your son, RYAN. At that he went out to the kitchen and took a knife, he then proceeded to his room, went in there and closed the door behind him. He then sat down about to cut himself but he paused. He thought to himself, what does life really mean to me? He thought for about five seconds and realized it meant nothing to him. He looked at his clock, it was 8:43, and his parents would not be home for another hour.
It was 9:45 and Mark and Janet Matthews were just now getting home from Marks office Christmas party. Mark worked as a security officer at the Minnesota Department of Energy, nothing to fancy or proud. Mark went straight to bed. But Janet had to go upstairs and first have a quick look at the news on television. After she got done seeing the top stories, she went to the bathroom and washed her face before she went to bed. Across from the bathroom is Ryan's room, and as she normally does right before she goes to bed she knocked and his door and said softly, "Ryan sweetie, are you still up?" There was no reply so she thought to herself that he must have gone to bed. So she whispered "Goodnight sweetie, I love you."
The next day, Janet went up stairs to have her morning coffee, and to read the daily newspaper. When seven came she went to Ryan's room to get him up. She knocked on the door and said, Ryan, time to get up for school.
Janet reached for the doorknob and when she was about to enter Ryan yelled, I'm up, I am up. Janet then left back to the kitchen to finish her cop of coffee. When Ryan said that, his head started to sting, he had a headache, and he looked down to his wrist, and there it was; covered with blood. He then looked to the left of him and saw his favorite pillow; the softest pillow he has ever rested upon, and saw that it was all wet from tears. When Ryan got up and went downstairs to take his morning shower, he saw his reflection in the mirror. He was pale white, and his eyes were watery, and he said quietly to himself, Did I really do that too myself? Ryan, frustrated, took off his clothes and went in the shower.
When Ryan got out of the shower, he looked back in the mirror. He saw that he still had tears on his face, and he realized it was a blessing from the sky that he was alive. Right then and there, Ryan said a silent prayer to himself. It was the most personal prayer he had ever
Prayed. He thanked God so much for the opportunity to be alive that morning, and then took a shower.
During the day, Ryan went through school as if nothing had happened the night before. He hid his wrist that whole day, making sure that no one would ever see that scar.
When school got out that day Ryan went on the internet, he then posted a note to Sandra, telling her everything that had happened the night before. Ryan then logged off and went upstairs to his bedroom, to sit in quite reflection. Not 10 minutes had gone by before he received a phone call from Sandra. Her voice sounded afraid, and he could tell that she was scared. Ryan, not wanting to talk to about the situation over the phone, told her to go on the internet later that night and they could talk; which they did.
The next few days went by well for young Ryan. He was happy because they were as close as they had ever been. When Ryan talked to her, he forgot all about her boyfriend and his problems. He knew that she was there for him. It made him feel good, and have this new appreciation for life. The days of joy they were having would not turn into weeks of joy. After a while Sandra changed, and was not there for Ryan. Ryan was crushed, he hoped and wished she would always be there for him, but she wasn't.
About a week later, Ryan had become depressed again. He hid his depression and his scar for three more weeks. Over those three weeks, Ryan slit his wrist over fifteen times.
Those three weeks have been the hardest on Ryan. He thought he could no longer trust Sandra, and thought she hated him, which she didn't. Ryan was really down and thought that he should tell someone. So he went downstairs, logged onto the internet, went into his email account, and emailed his youth pastor. In the first email, Ryan just asked him what happens to people who kill themselves, wondering if they were going straight to hell. Over the next week, Ryan and his youth pastor emailed back and forth.
Sunday February 10, 2002. It could be the worst day of Ryan Matthew's life. It was a normal day; he was doing well with the assurance of the emails, and the hope of getting better. Sometime after supper, Ryan was sitting in his room playing a Nintendo game. While he quit his game, he heard a voice. It was the most shocking and scary thing he had ever experienced. The voice kept on telling Ryan to kill himself. It did that for over a half an hour. During that time, flashes of Ryan popped up in his head, he saw himself standing, drenched in blood with numerous cuts up and down both his arms. Ryan then started to weep. He never thought it would come to this.
That Wednesday, after the mid-week Lenten service, Ryan asked his youth pastor if he could stay after church, and the youth pastor said he could. When Ryan and the rest of the congregation were dismissed from church, he told his mom that he was going to stay after and talk to his pastor. Ryan assured her that everything was alright, but Janet knew better, but she let him stay. A few minutes later Ryan was in the pastor's office crying, telling him everything that happened that Sunday. After two an half hours of talking, the pastor convinced Ryan that they should talk to Janet. Ryan said he could do that, but told him that he would not be able to talk to his mom about this.
They drove over to Ryan's house, and talked to his mom. During the whole conversation Ryan was choking back tears as he looked at his mother's reaction after hearing all this. He could not believe his mother knows everything. When the pastor got done talking, Janet asked him what he thinks they should do about it. The pastor said that he should go to a psychologist, and hopefully that would make him all better.
One day later, it was Valentine's Day. It was a day of new hope. He was getting professional help. He couldn't wait to tell Sandra, who urged him to get help for the longest time. As his way of thanking her he got her a teddy bear. She had a big smile when he gave it to her, which made him smile. He was happy. Ryan was finally happy.
Later that night after supper, Ryan was playing Nintendo and was going to go downstairs to go talk with friends, and hopefully Sandra. As soon as he was about to leave, the voice came back. It said the exact same thing, and Ryan had the same vision as before. This time it only lasted ten to fifteen minutes. Instead of going downstairs, he stayed in his room and wept, and he thought to himself that he never will get better. He then went to bed.
The next day was scary for him, he was out of it. Ryan was expecting that voice to come back and during school he could only think about that voice he had heard. Luckily tomorrow was the weekend and Ryan could get it all together. He was told on Saturday that he had been scheduled for an appointment with a local psychologist.
Monday, February 18, the day was finally here. Ryan has the appointment with the doctor. It was scheduled for eight o'clock that night. At seven o'clock Ryan was on the phone talking with Sandra. When they hung up, Ryan headed out the door to go to the doctors. When he arrived there, he met the doctor and was greeted with numerous forms, which he would fill out about what he had done to himself. He got done with the forms around nine o'clock and then preceded into the room where he would sit with the psychologist and talk.
After about an hour an a half of talking, and listening to everything Ryan had done and thought. He thought it would be in his best interest to go over to an in-care facility in a town sixty miles away. At the time, Ryan did not know what he was saying yes to. He thought he could have gone there during the day and come back right away. When they left the psychologist's office, his mom said that they are going to go home and he is going to have to pack clothes for at least four days. On the way home, Ryan tried to fight back the tears, but he could not. He felt horrible that this was hurting his mom to see him in this much pain. Ryan did not want to hurt anyone, but himself.
When Ryan got home, the first thing he thought of doing was to call Sandra, to hear her voice, to try and make the next few days easier. Ryan told her he would call her as soon as he got home from the doctors, and she should have known he was trying to call her. Try as he did, every time he dialed her number, he got the busy signal. The worst noise he had ever heard. Instead of hearing her reassuring voice, he heard a beep. After that right started to pack up some clothes for a journey he did not want to take.
Ryan's sister decided to come along. She had known about his depression before anyone because Sandra told some of her friends about Ryan and his life, but Ryan did not know that Sandra told anyone.
During that sixty minute drive, Ryan's sister and mother talked the whole way there, while Ryan was in the back seat thinking of how screwed up his life was, and how he could let it get this bad. Those sixty-some minutes were very hard for Ryan. All he could do was sit there in the seat, and think of what people would think of him if they knew this. The thought that kept coming up in his mind was that of Sandra. He wondered to himself what she would think of him if she knew he would have to stay in a hospital. He thought to himself, "Sure, she knows I am depressed but does she need to know that it is this bad?" Ryan tried to not think of that. After a while he let his mind get rid of that thought, and then he wondered what his sister and mother thought of him now? He wanted to know, but he wondered if he could trust their response.
At 11:45 they arrived at the hospital. It had been a tough three hours for Ryan. He had his first therapy session; he had to pack up clothes for an unwanted visit to a hospital, and got the cold beep from the phone and the hour drive to his destination. After fifteen minutes of registration, Ryan was officially checked into the hospital at 12:03 a.m. At that time Ryan was sent to the Mental Health Unit which was located at the east end of the hospital.
When Ryan arrived there, he had to get his height and weight checked, and had his belongings looked at; to make sure he had nothing there to harm himself. Then he had to sit down in the nurse's area and had to answer questions from 12:15 a.m. to about 1:30a.m. Then Ryan was given a small red pill. It was called Risperdal, and it is supposed to stop Ryan from hearing those voices.
After all of that, Ryan then was placed in the "Quiet Room". It was called the "Quiet Room" because it was a pure white room, and if you talked in it, your voice would be echoed. It is your classic looking "nut-house" rooms. The "Quiet Room" was about the same size as Ryan's bedroom but it was very different. It had a white bed in the middle of the room with a hospital tray next to it. In the far top right corner of the room was a mirror looking down where you could see everything in the room. There was a chair to the right of the door; which was used as a toilet. Ryan thought to himself, it is just like the rooms you see "crazy" people in.
Ryan had his watch on; which he had to convince the nurses to let him keep. He could not fall asleep in that room. He had too much on his mind, and the room just added more trouble and despair then he already had to begin with. So Ryan decided to stay up to think about his life.
February 19; Ryan's first official day in the hospital. Ryan was woken up at nine a.m. At that time he was taken to his hospital room; room 147. It was the last door in the hallway. The closest person roomed next to him was three doors down. After he got that his room situated, they sent him to the kitchen area where serve breakfast. They had ordered him a bowl of cereal, with white toast. When he had finished his breakfast, it was ten o'clock. At ten they had "Education Group" for a couple of hours. After education group, which ended at noon, lunch would be served.
The topic in group was about abusive relationships and the how's and what to do's if you are in one. During that class they talked about all the different kind of abusive relationship. The class was mainly for the adult people who were there. As group went on, Ryan noticed that he was the youngest person there, and the next youngest person to him was 23. Ryan thought that maybe he could of gotten to be close with him, but he was luckily enough to leave that day. After education group, Ryan had eaten his lunch, but he was not hungry the least bit. His stomach was churning and he could have cried at any moment.
About three minutes after he got done with lunch he went to the other room and watched television (there were two rooms with a television set, one in the room where they have group, the other in the kitchen-like area). After an hour or so of watching television, it was time for Group Therapy which would last for an hour. During that time, Ryan, and the other people that were in the health unit talked about who they were, and why they were put in this facility. Ryan was sitting far away from everyone on the couch, and was unwilling to talk. When Peter, the assistant at the Mental Health Unit, asked Ryan why he was here, he could barely answer. He was nervous and about to cry. His mouth was quivering, and he could not talk smoothly because he was so sad. Ryan then started to answer his questions. Each minute he was in there was worse than the one that preceded it. Then finally group was let out, and Ryan then retreated to his room to rest.
He did not rest he did not get to rest as long as he had hoped because as soon as he lied down on his bed, one of the nurses came into his room and told Ryan that the doctor was ready to see him. Ryan talked to her for a little over thirty minutes. During that time they went over the basics. He mentioned everything: how many times he has slit his wrist and how often he thinks of doing himself in.
After that it was around 2:35 and Ryan sat on the couch in front of the television, but instead of watching it, he decided to read Plague of Terror. It was one of the best books Ryan had ever had the privilege to read. He was happy he brought that book with him because it helped him escape the reality of the hospital.
During the time Ryan was reading, his parents sneaked in and went to the doctor's office. While Janet and Mark were in there, the doctor told them almost everything that Ryan had shared with her. After a few minutes of talking to the doctor, Janet and Mark were let out and were able to see their son.
The first thing Ryan did was hug them and they talked for a little bit, during the whole time they talked, Ryan was in tears. Ryan then proceeded to show them his room. It was one of the worst things in his life. It was horrible for him to have to be put in a mental health unit and then have to show his parents that. Ryan felt that he had let his parents down and failed them in everyway. But Janet and Mark felt the opposite; they were proud of Ryan that he was able to admit everything and wanted to get help.
When they were going to leave Ryan gave his mom a hug. Then Ryan, for the first time in his life, he embraced his father. He started to cry wishing he could stop, but he could not hold back his tears anymore. He had waited his whole life to embrace his father like that, but never had.
The rest of the night, all Ryan did was read. He loved that book, and wanted to read it forever, but he finished it the first night and then realized he would have to face the reality of the hospital.
The next day went the same; he had "Education Group" for two hours, and then had Group Therapy for an hour. But during the night another doctor came in and talked to him, and gave him the MMPI; 574 true/false questions about you. Ryan did that for an hour, which got his mind off the hospital.
The next day Ryan woke up and went to the doctor's office as soon as he woke up, and they told Ryan that he could go home that day. Before he left, a third doctor came in and talked to Ryan. He gave Ryan the inkblot test and showed him drawings and Ryan had to tell a story about the drawing. The doctor told Ryan that he had an excellent mind and had really good logical reasoning; which made Ryan feel good about him for once. Ryan left the hospital exactly 62 hours after he first arrived there. To make everything better, he was able to drive home that day.
As soon as Ryan got home he wanted to go talk to his youth pastor; which he did for three hours. They talked about everything. Especially the hospital and how Ryan was doing after all of that. Ryan loved and respected that man with all his heart. He has been in Ryan's life for nine years, and helped him throughout this whole crisis.
The next month went good for Ryan. He was becoming happier and happier each day. Things were finally looking up for young Ryan. He planned on not telling anyone but Sandra about what happened to him, but that changed. Because people kept asking questions, and Ryan did not want to lie, so he would tell them. He did not like the reaction he would get because it would be negative and bring everyone down.
In May of 2002, Ryan's grades were starting to slip again in school. He was getting the pressure of going out for football and pressure from friends to stay happy. He was starting to become depressed again. He let the pressures of life get to him. He wanted to tell his parents that, but didn't want them to get worried again. So he kept it to himself. He knew if he told someone, he was going to have to go back to the hospital. One night Ryan got depressed again and started to think about killing himself. He got really mad at the world, and he was talking on the internet to this girl. He asked her how many pills it takes to kill you. The woman on the internet did not reply. Ryan then went upstairs and watched television and cooled off. He then went on the internet and talked to his friends.
The next day Ryan woke up happy and having no suicidal urges at all. When Ryan got to his second hour study hall he was called down to the guidance counselor. The girl Ryan talked to on the internet last night told the counselor and Ryan had to tell him everything; and he did.
After they talked, the counselor told Ryan that he had to tell a parent. Ryan did not want to alarm his mom again, so he asked if they could call the youth pastor, so they did. After talking to him, the counselor said they had to call his mom now, or he would not be able to leave the room, so they called Janet. After talking with Janet, she said she will get this all straightened out and she will set up an appointment with the psychologist.
While Ryan was at school, Janet was calling the doctor's office and he said that he should go back to the hospital, and Janet agreed.
Ryan was called out of school at 2:40 to leave to where he thought was the psychologist's office, but when Janet didn't turn to his office and was staying on the highway, he knew he was going back, it was his biggest fear. The worst experience of his life was the hospital, and having to go back made all of the old memories come back.
Ryan arrived there that afternoon he thought this time wouldn't be as traumatizing. He knew what to expect from it. He stayed there for three more days. Doing the exact same thing he did before. He was put in the room next door to the first one he stayed at. He remembered everything that happened the first time. He also knew that history does repeat itself.
While he was there, the nurses talked to him a little bit more and tried to keep him happy. One nurse told him that she hates it when she sees young people having to come to the hospital, and hates it even more when they come more then once. The first day was not that bad for Ryan. He did not believe he had to be there again, and thought that it was all just a waste of his time, and his parent's gas. This time was also more special for Ryan, because he knew that his friends cared about him a lot, and it is sad he thought that it took him a hospital stay to figure out that fact. But that little fact helped him throughout his nights at the hospital. It gave him hope for a new beginning.
When Ryan got home from his second hospital stay, he went to his room and took his notebook that used to have his poetry. He took that notebook, and wrote a contract saying that he will never consider suicide again. But what does a contract like that mean? If he breaks that contract he is dead, but if he keeps it, it is just common sense that he does not kill himself.
How much Ryan wishes that the story that is his life would end up like a fairy tale; where everything turns out right. Life is not a fairy tale, we cannot predict the outcome, and we can not cut off the ending with false hopes. We all have to realize, that the struggle will continue.



The Struggle Continues
Part Two Of Three



The Struggle Contines May 31st was the last day of school for our good friend Ryan Matthews; it has been a little over a week since he was released from the hospital. He has now told quite a few people about his little history he has made. Hoping that they would be able to understand that it was all done with and that he was all better.
Ryan did not tell everyone how far he actually fell; he would just give them all a quick summary. He hoped they would not think of him as weird or uneasy. He just wanted them to know that he has been struggling with depression among other things, and to tell them he was on his way to be getting better.
The school day was over and Ryan was up in the school commons talking to his friends. Since Ryan told his good friends about his depression they have never talked about his depression seriously. They would only make fun of it and say crude jokes and not take any of it seriously. Not many people think that making fun of it would help Ryan, but yet, his friends would and they were wrong. As much as Ryan likes to joke about this sort of thing to help him laugh through it, it didn't work; it only made things worse than they were before.
As Ryan said goodbye to all his friends for the summer, he boarded his bus, and was on his journey home. While Ryan was on the bus, he thought of all the new people that he had meet and become friends with throughout the school year and it made him smile and believe he was loved.
When Ryan got home, the first thing he did was make plans with one of his friends, having him come over and they could hang-out. It was the first time Ryan and Ricky had ever done anything together, and they made plans with each other to do it again; they never did.
The first two weeks of the summer went well for Ryan. He worked a lot and was able to sleep in. He was pretty happy, didn't have too many worries, but most importantly, he had a lot of big hopes for the future; a future that consisted of him living to be over 100.
When it got to be the end of June, all Ryan had really done was hang-out with a few friends and work. He was pretty happy till he had a therapy session with his psychologist. During the time he was with the doctor, he was asked some questions and was told by the doctor how his mind worked. The doctor told him that he was more prone to grow up by himself. The psychologist also told him that in a herd of zebras, he would be placed in the outskirts, where he would be by himself, and was able to let anyone come and attack him. Ryan was shocked because of that, because he knew deep down inside that that was how it was going to be. Ryan believes he is destined to be that person, and he knows he will be.
After that session his mom came and picked him up and asked him if it went well. He lied and said it went great, but deep down inside Ryan was hurting. The rest of the week all Ryan could think about was what the doctor had told him.
As the last day of June approached, Ryan lost it. A friend that he had trusted betrayed him. That hurt Ryan and that night he couldn't handle it anymore. He broke down in tears, and thought of ending it all. He went on the internet to get the help of some of his friends. As he talked to them, and they tried to reassure him, he just feel deeper and deeper in too depression.
About five minutes after Ryan got off the internet, he went upstairs to the kitchen. He then went to the knife rack. Took out the sharpest knife they had, and lightly went over his wrist. Then he said to himself, "Who would care?" He answered that to himself, and thought of all these people that said they cared. "They may care, BUT I DON'T!" he said. And right after that he slit his wrist. It started to bleed. At that moment Ryan heard some steps coming up stairs, it was his sister. Quickly thinking Ryan went to the sink that was just a few feet from him and washed his wrist. Ryan thought she would have come over by him, but instead she turned at went into her bedroom. Ryan was surprised that she didn't go into the kitchen and get her peach like she normally does. But he didn't mind that she didn't get it tonight. Ryan then looked down back to his wrist and it was still bleeding. He washed it again, and in 45 seconds after making the cut, he had sharp pains coming from his wrist. He washed it with soap and cold water, hoping it would make it feel cooler; which it didn't. Ryan then proceeded to his room.
When he got to his room, he turned on the television and went to his favorite channel, ESPN. There he watched SportsCenter and Baseball Tonight till his wrist started to feel better. After an hour and a half of watching television he decided to go on the internet again. When he got on the internet, he saw that no one was online for him to talk to. Ryan felt a little sadness that he could not talk to a few of his friends, but his wrist started to hurt again, so he turned off the computer and went back to bed to sleep.
The next day came and gone. "Another wasted day in the life of Ryan Matthews," he said late at night to himself while he was turning on the television. He decided he wanted to watch the news so he turned to ABC, and there is yet another horrible day in the Middle East as violence erupts. He then decided to go to CBS where they had the Late Night Show with David Letterman. In the monologue he is talking about the war in the Middle East and making some comments about it, probably in hope to boost ratings. After deciding that Dave wasn't the one he wanted to spend the night with, he went to Fox News Channel to watch one of his favorite shows, "The O'Reily Factor." There he would watch Bill go head-to-head with his various guests. In the end of every conversation he calls the other person a jackass and lets them have the last comment. Well on this night they played back the tape of when they were talking to a Human Rights Activists and she was talking about the prisoners in camp X-ray. She was talking about how there rights as human beings are being violated and they need to be let go from out of there. As they argued, Ryan thought to myself, "What is she saying? These people kill other people, where is your heart for those they have taken? They have lost there rights as humans when they became animals and killed. There is probably a reason to why they are in that place and you need to believe that the American government is doing the best for our country and our safety. If that means a couple Middle Eastern people have to go to Camp X-ray because they have committed a crime against our nation and our well being, I am in support of it. After that Ryan got frustrat0ed and turned off the television and went to sleep.
The next day Ryan had to work at the local grocery story. There he worked as a checker, and would converse with the local buyers. Ryan liked to check, but he doesn't really care anymore. He didn't care if they fired him, he didn't care if he was Employee of the Month, and he didn't care if they gave him ten dollars an hour. He just lost his passion for his job. The main reason why he lost his passion was the supervisor up front. She would be on Ryan's case for anything he did. She would tell him to go sack, and he would, but then she would yell at him for not checking. Ryan first tried to be the stand out employee but she made him not care.
When he got home from work he did his normal routine of going upstairs, get a bite to eat, and then go on the internet to talk with his friends. Nothing special really happened that night. He just talked with his friends, avoided conversations that would get to them talking about his depression, and how it is once again coming back to surface.
July 11th, 2002, Ryan was getting ready to go for his trip that is coming up the next day. He was in his room packing, thinking about his friends, and how he won't be able to talk to them for the next two weeks. Ryan thought it was for the best that he will be gone. He is hoping that the people will forget about him during the trip, so they will not be hurt too much if something happens when he gets back from the trip. Ryan planned to kill himself a couple days after the trip so hopefully people would be used to not talking or seeing to him. He also thought it was the best time to kill himself over the summer because people would not have interacted with him that much, so it wouldn't hurt them too bad. Ryan got done packing at nine that night, and then went to bad because he had to be up at five the next morning.
The next day came; Ryan woke up at five, and went to the church at six. That day was full of driving as Ryan and a few other church members went on down to Missouri. They arrived in there destination at around six that night, and then unloaded there stuff, and placed it in there church. After everything was situated both of the church groups got together and sat down and played a name game. Ryan felt a little left out. It seemed like to him that everyone knew everyone but him, which was not the case. Ryan thought to himself that he should put on a show, act all happy, and never mention his depression to anyone. At that time Ryan saw that it was inevitable that he would slip, and everyone will see him break down.
After the name games everyone went down to the basement and got situated. At that time the two pastors came together and announced the plans for the next two weeks. After they figured out what they were doing most of the people went to their gym and played basketball. Ryan had a lot of fun and felt more secure of the next two weeks. At around eight, they all went to their respected host homes. During the time at the host home, Ryan did nothing but just watch Memento. Then they went to bed.
The next few days went by like a blur. They did a lot of driving, and did their first program. During the hours of the bus they spent, Ryan didn't talk to anyone but his friends from his church. But over the next few days Ryan would become good friends with almost everyone. For the most part of the trip, Ryan had a blast. He thought he was on top of the world. But his reign on the top would not be for long. Ryan stopped his medication one night, he thought to himself that he was doing better and if anyone found out that he was on medication that he might be rejected by them.
After the first week, they were stationed at a hotel. Around four o'clock everyone but Ryan went down to swim in the pool. Ryan stayed in his hotel room, just to sit, and think. He was thinking that this trip was stupid, and no one has accepted, and he thought that his best friend was becoming great friends with Larry, and would gradually push Ryan out of his circle of friends.
The next night Ryan and Larry were put in a host home out in the country. During that night Ryan and Larry thought that they should stay up all night. Late in the night they were throwing a soft football around and at that time Larry was asking Ryan questions about his suicidal thinking. Ryan was happy to share, because he thought that it is good for people to be aware of his problem, incase they run into one similar in the future. When Larry got done asking questions they decided to rap, or in better words, they tried to. After they rapped, Ryan went downstairs to use the bathroom. On the way he found a pair of scissors. He said, "All this talk of slitting my wrist, and I have not done it in a couple weeks." So he took the scissors, went in the bathroom, and cut his wrist once with the scissors. The pain was bearable, but it hurt whenever he moved his hand. He grabbed a couple of Kleenexes and went back upstairs to write some more.
Upon arrival upstairs, Ryan showed Larry that he does it all the time and it does not bother him. In fact cutting his wrist helped relieve stress and emotional build up. When he looks at his wrist, and sees blood, and knowing if he cut it deeper he might die. It makes him ponder life and suicide. When he sees what could be the end of him, he laughs and wonders why he wants to die. It's not really a suicide attempt; it just puts things in perspective. Larry just shrugged it off, and said he would beat Ryan up if he ever tried that again.
The next few days went by without a problem. Ryan got over his depression episode and thought that would be the worst that might happen on this trip. With three days left till they get back to Missouri, they were driving on the bus, and Ryan just lost it. He was so confused about everything. He wondered how he could have been so stupid to have cut his wrist on a church trip. He then started to think of things he has done to himself in the past, and that just disgusted him. Ryan just lost it and started tearing up. He thought to himself, "Good, this is going to make me the most popular person on the trip. Luckily everyone is preoccupied on making themselves happy." That just made things worse. The rest of the day Ryan was on the verge of crying. When the group arrived to the hotel, they were assigned rooms, and Ryan was put with two of his good friends. But later on in the evening Ryan could not handle it, he quickly left his room and started wandering the halls. He first went down the hallway to the stairwell where he sat down for a minute and thought. He thought they must be wondering where he was so he decided to go back to the room, but he would take the long way. On his quest to return to his room he saw a Coke Machine that was at the end of the hallway, so he sat on the side of it, and started to think about what he has done lately and he did not like what he has done for the past two years. He then looked down the hall and saw his pastor. Ryan knew he was looking for him, so he went to the nearest chair he saw and sat down. Not thirty seconds went by when his pastor came and sat down by him. The pastor knew something was wrong so he asked if anything was wrong. "Everything," Ryan said. "Everything is wrong."
"Can you be more specific?"
"I can't do anything right. I don't remember a three-day period in which I have not been depressed. Everything is wrong with me. I just want to die."
The conversation went on like that for a few more minutes. Toward the end of the conversation the pastor told Ryan if he kept this up, he would have to be sent home. Ryan didn't want that, so he cleared out his mind, and tried not to think of anything. He returned to his room, and then just sat at the end of the bed on the floor; motionless, speechless, and a complete feeling of nothingness.
The next few days came and gone. He returned back to his home town, and got to sleep in his own bed again. Ryan tried to reflect on his trip, but he could only remember those nights when he was depressed. It finally hit Ryan; depression has taken over his life. He always has thought that, he just now realized that. He said to himself, "It's sad when you can go on a trip for two weeks and see amazing things, and not enjoy it nor be able to recall any of it from your memory."
The rest of the summer went on like that. Something good would happen, he then would find the bad in it and in make it all seem bad. It was not the best summer he had or ever wished for. He just wanted to take the entire summer off and sleep. But when Ryan wants to sleep, Janet thinks he is getting depressed again. In actuality he was, but he did not think it himself.
RING! Off goes the first bell of the new school year; new beginnings, new hopes, new attitude, and new way of life. That is what we hope for in the start of something new. It usually doesn't happen that way at all. Normally when we are stuck in a certain part of our life, we will remain in that position until something drastically changes. The main thing Ryan hoped for this year was a new life. He did not want to be labeled depressed or suicidal. He longed for people forgetting of the past months of his life. He wished they would see him as a different person, but no one did. Ryan was still the main joke to all of his so called friends. First thing he heard from two people, Ryan! You're still alive?
What are they thinking? That is not something you say to someone who used to be suicidal, not even as a joke. It hurts even more when they know you are struggling with it.
School went on like there for a couple more weeks.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN," well that's how he hoped his birthday would be like. It was more of a, "Get up! You are going to be late. Oh yeah, happy birthday" sort of day. Ryan's birthdays never mean anything to him, but this one was his 16th birthday. He gets to take his test to become an official driver. He was excited. He would finally have freedom. He could go and leave whenever he wanted. He could be free. But first he had to pass... and he did! The day was a blur to him until 3:00 p.m. He can drive home! On his way home he thought to himself, "Could life be any better? I don't think it can, this is the best feeling in the world."
That feeling lasted about a week. When Ryan and Joshua were heading home for Rick's house, Ryan hit some loose gravel and got to see what a Bronco II looked like when it's on its side. That was a tough moment for Ryan. That was his first rollover, and first crash. Ryan knew he was going to get yelled at by his dad. And when they called for him to come and pick them up, Mark just worried about the car. He never asked Ryan if he was okay.
After they dropped Joshua off at his house, sure enough right away, Mark started to yell at Ryan and telling him how stupid he was, and he will never drive again. After he said that, Ryan jumped out of the car. He went running off and didn't return home till midnight.
Ryan pushed the next few days out of memory. He and Mark fought a lot about him driving. Through it all, Mark got Ryan a Blazer a couple days after the accident.
Nothing too important happened in the next few weeks of his life. Until one night on the internet, he got really depressed because a girl from Iowa was giving Ryan crap about his depression. She told him that he would never go through with it. And that he is a wannabe. Well that crossed the line Ryan thought, I'll show her. So he got really depressed and thought of overdosing. Ryan went to the kitchen cupboard and got 27 pills, hoping that would be enough if he tried to do anything. Ryan was going to do it, but he thought he should go online and tell people good-bye. When his friend Jake asked why he was saying good-bye he told him. Then he went offline but not before making a few comments to Jake.
Ryan then went up to his room and watched an hour of a movie. That made him calm down and everything was alright. He went online to tell people that he was sorry about earlier and that he was not going to do anything, but there is always a possibility.
The next day at school was good for Ryan up until sixth hour. At that time Ryan was called down to the guidance counselor, and right away Ryan knew what was going to happen. He knew someone told the counselor, and now he is going to talk to Ryan about it and inevitably call his mom. And sure enough, that is what happened. Ryan tried to talk his way out of it, but the counselor did not care for what he had to say. Ryan said he was alright, and the asshole with the grin on his face said "I believe you." How dare he say that Ryan pondered? He is talking about how I was playing to kill myself last night, and saying I am not suicidal, and he says he believes me, but yet he still labels me as suicidal. Ryan left with two closing words, "Fuck You!" Ryan knew he was going to have to go to that God-forsaken hospital again. And when he got home, the first thing Janet said to him was, "Pack your things; you're going to the hospital."
"NO!" he said and stormed out of the house, found a pair of shoes and headed to his blazer. When he was about to leave his sister jumped in the car and wouldn't let him leave. So thinking quickly Ryan darted out of the car and headed for the park.
The park was not the best choice as his sister found him right away. She talked to him for about ten minutes, convincing him to go home. Ryan agreed, so while his sister got in the car, Ryan ran away again. After five minutes of walking Ryan thought he should just go home. And on his way home he saw his blazer. So he went in that and drove to Dave's house in the country.
When he got to Dave's house he explained everything to him and he said he could lay low there for a while. While he was there he talked on the internet to his friend, Adam. Adam convinced Ryan he should go home, and Adam came and picked up Ryan and took him home. When Ryan went up to his room to pack his things, he took his clock and threw it into the wall. He has always wanted to do that but has never had the right moment too. After he did that, he thought it would be okay to go.
Then they headed off to the hospital...



Struggle Is Over
Part Three Of Three



"Come on Ryan, let's go."
"God, this is so fucking stupid. I don't need to go! I am alright. I am not going to kill myself," Ryan said.
"That's what you said last time, and look where we are going," said Ryan's sister.
"This is going to be the last time I do this," Ryan said hopefully.
"It better be we just want you to be happy again."
"I AM HAPPY!" That was the last Ryan was going to talk to his mom and sister on the ride to the hospital. It was only 7:12 and Ryan had enough of this day. He laid down on the backseat of the car, and fell asleep. At 8:04, Janet said, "Ryan honey, and time to get up."
"Don't talk to me anymore!" Ryan shot back at her. He was still furious that he had to come to this place again. Ryan does not mind it there too much; he sees all these people with problems that makes his problems seem like nothing.
"Good evening, this is Ryan Matthews, and he is being checked into the mental health part of the hospital." Gee, thanks mom, thanks for telling everyone Ryan thought.
"So Ryan, this isn't your first time here"
"It's my last time here," Ryan said cutting off the receptionist. Ryan then went to the all too familiar sitting area in the Emergency Room. He chuckled to himself as the television was showing Everybody Loves Raymond. He did not chuckle because of the joke that was made, but that Raymond and his wife were going through therapy. He laughed as he knew he would be going through a lot of that.
"Alright Ryan, time to go," Janet said.
Ryan got up, he knew the route directly, go a little left, then right, then straight nine doors, then take a right when you hit the elevators, have them buzz you in, and get a nice little bracelet around your wrist. Sure enough, that's what happened. Then the nurse and Ryan went through the same packet as they have in the last two times he has been there. At that time she began to ask him questions. "Here, I saved you some trouble and copied some of your answers." Mary said. Mary has been the person to ask him these questions before. He liked Mary, because she would let him have his way.
"Good thing I have come to know this place good." Ryan said jokingly, but that joke killed him inside. He has decided from past experiences here that he would not let anyone see him down. He would show a front, and act like everything is perfect which would hopefully get him out of this place sooner. Ryan then answered the questions half-heartily, wishing he would have killed himself so he wouldn't have to go here. "You know, coming here makes me more depressed then I was at home and being away from my friends gets me down so I should just go home." Ryan said that hoping by some miracle that he will be able to make the journey home with his sister and his mother.
"No can do, we don't get to decide this," Mary said. "But if we did, I would let you go, but only if you were alright. Well Janet, thanks for all you have done, you can go now."
"Okay, thanks for everything, bye Ryan, we love you."
"Sure"
"We do, you know that."
"No I don't, get out of here. I don't want to see you again." Ryan said that in anger, the little scared child inside of him longed for his mom to stay with him, but that angry young man wanted her to get as far away from him as physically possible. He resented his mother for not hearing him out. So at that, he said his bye.
The rest of the night went okay for Ryan. He watched TV, had a little cartoon of milk, and went to bed at 9:30. His peaceful rest lasted only twenty-five minutes, that's when Rob came into the picture. "WHAT!" Ryan thought I have to share a room with him. He looks homicidal! Ryan honestly thought there could be some chance of him getting murdered. "Oh well, like I would care," he thought. But he would care; Ryan realized that there are all these people that for some reason or another care about him. He realized that when his friend told his father that he was thinking of killing himself and back in May when the same thing happened.
"Breakfast in five minutes Ryan, get up!" Dianna yelled, it was 7:55 and breakfast was at 8, so Ryan got up, and went to eat. He would sit there for ten minutes waiting for the food, during those ten minutes he thought what people at school were doing. He wished he could be with them. He spent so many days this year away from it.
After breakfast, Ryan went to his room to lie down again; he had no ambition to do anything else there. He then nodded off, and was awaken at 9:35. Now it was time for Community Group. Community Group, what's that Ryan thought, he had not experienced this group yet.
The group was pointless, all they did was gather in a circle and say there names-which they do during the beginning of every group and say a little something about themselves. The group only lasted for ten minutes then right after that, they went straight to Education Group. The longest one hundred and twenty minutes of your life. The worst part of it was Ryan had already had this group before, TWICE! Ryan just sat there motionless until it was time for the smoke break. Ryan liked smoke break, because all the other people went outside to smoke, except for him, and an old guy named Floyd. He was your grandpa type figure, in his 80's, a farmer, wife died 7 years ago, and has a sleeping problem, and appeared to be a little depressed.
During the course of the week Ryan would talk to Floyd a lot, trying to help him through this. He felt the need to, because he reminded him so much of his own grandpa.
The smokers came back in, knocking some minutes off of their life. Then they finished group, which was on power and control-how men mistreat women-he already knew that if you beat something, it better be a cat.
As soon as Education Group was done, lunch arrived. After lunch he went in to his room and lay down. As soon as his eyes closed, his door opened, "Time for group!" she explained. When she said that, he got up, put on his shoes, and headed out to the sitting area. Only an hour of group Ryan thought, and then I can go back to bed. The hour went by pretty fast, Ryan got to hear all of the people's problems and in return they got to here his. As soon as group got done, Ryan was able to go back to sleep. He slept for a good forty-five minutes, then Lori brought him into her office, where his mom was, and they had a little therapy session. Ryan did not pay much attention to what was being said, he just over heard them talking about his "anger problems" and how he is hiding it all the time.
"I don't have any anger problems!" Ryan said angrily. "The only time I am angry is when I am stuck in this damn place for three days."
"You know, you are the reason that you are here, not what your mom did. This was the right thing to do. It wasn't your friend's fault for telling the counselor. You made the choice to come here not us."
"So can I make the choice to leave?"
"That's up to Dr. Christopherson." Oh great Ryan thought, Doctor Lyle Christopherson, the supposedly funny psychologist, who has a funny atmosphere. This is the doctor Ryan saw on his first visit and was really concerned about Ryan and showing no sign of any humorous emotions.
Well at that, Ryan's therapy session was over. He quickly jetted out of the room, without saying more than two words to Janet. But she was one not to back down from her son, followed him and said, "I got to go, but I will come back tomorrow, okay?"
"No! Don't come back anymore." Ryan said that with the most serious tone of voice he has ever used. He was going to make his mom suffer for making him come here. He didn't hate her, as mush as he resented her at that moment. He still loved her deep down inside, but right now he has some boiling hatred about her.
The next few days went the same as the first. Except this time, there was no mom. He was happy, and he hoped she was feeling miserable about his situation. On the third day she called him, and Ryan said that he was sorry and that he loved her, but right now is not a good time to come and see him. On the third night of the visit, Dr. Christopherson said that Ryan might be able to be released tomorrow, Thursday. He was happy as he could be, "I might be able to go home tomorrow!" he thought to himself. He has been telling them that he has been doing well, and that he is so far away from suicidal thinking that he cannot think of anything but good thoughts. Well the third night came to a rest, and Ryan went to bed with a smile on his face. He was happy; he could finally get out of here.
Thursday morning came, and his smile was gone. Early in the morning a new doctor came in, and asked if Ryan was "feeling suicidal yet." Ryan thought, that is an awful question to ask, am I feeling suicidal yet, that yet hurt him, as he might know that that time might come up sooner than he thinks.
"No doctor, I'm feeling great, I think I will be able to go home today. That's what Dr. C. said yesterday."
"Yeah, about that, Dr. C. won't come in today because it is his day off."
That killed Ryan inside. He lost all emotion, Dr. C. said he could go home today; he planned on what could happen later that night, seeing that it was October 31st. He had made plans with his friend Eric and Danielle, his newest friends, and the best people in the world to hang out with. But everything, all the plans, all the fun, everything was taken away by the doctor's day off.
The whole day sucked for Ryan, he was so ticked off, and he didn't talk to anyone. He couldn't handle it there anymore. He wished he could just go home and sleep in his own bed. But tonight was special at the Mental Institute; they got candy because it was Halloween. "Wow!" Ryan thought that this was so much better than being outside with his friends. He watched part of a movie, and left in the middle of it to go to bed.
It was around 8:45 and Ryan thought he could get in a lot of extra sleep. He thought wrong because at 9:35, they had yet another group. This was a group where one of the RN talks to them and gives them a homework assignment. She made Ryan read two chapters from "My Depression" (which he did not read), she made Rob write down five reasons how his life will be better when his divorce is final. She had Paula write about how she was feeling. And Ryan's favorite person, Patricia, who is twenty-eight, has three kids, and is getting a welfare check, and the first thing she is going to buy is a pair of sunglasses. Ryan resented her more than his mom. He felt like she was the fall of American Society.
The next day came and Ryan had an early appointment with Dr. C. Ryan was in there for three minutes, just enough time for him to say, "You will be discharged today." As soon as he said that Ryan asked if he could leave to call his mom, and they said he couldn't. Right at that time the phone rang in his office and he answered it, and it was Janet. The doctor told her that she should come and pick him up in an hour or two. The doctor then finished the session and Ryan went to sleep, hoping time would go by faster.
It did too. Before he knew it his mother was at the door. First thing Ryan did was say sorry, and apologize for everything he put her through. He was happy. Not so much to see her, but for the reason she was here. He was finally able to go home. This was the favorite time of his visit. But before they could go, Lori called Ryan and Janet into her office to talk things over. Lori made sure I apologized and wondered if we would consider family therapy. Ryan said "Hell no, this place is bad enough, and once a week therapy by myself is just fine." Janet agreed with him, and they left.
Now came Ryan's second favorite part of the trip, driving home. He loved the open highway. He loved knowing this is the longest time before he would ever, if need be, to go to that hospital again. He and his mom talked the whole way home. At one point Janet was in tears, but Ryan made her stop, because he has gone through enough of crying for both of them in one lifetime.
The journey was completed at 5pm, Friday. The worst week of Ryan Matthew's life was over. But at least it wasn't his last week of life. Ryan has understood that over his past visits that he learns something new each time. The first time he learned, the best way to avoid suicidal thinking was to think of hospital instead. He did not remember that lesson a few months later when he was sentenced there again. After that trip he realized that his friends do care about him and want the best for him. And on this, his final trip to the hospital, he learned that the internet is not a good place to tell people you are going to kill yourself, because they can print out a copy of what you said, and use it against you.
Ryan Matthew's saga started off as a young boy who thought his life would not let him amount to anything. He thought the best part of life would be the end of it. Upon his ten month journey of recovery he learned more than he ever would from fifty years of school. He has come to realize that he needs to appreciate life more now than ever. As now is the building block for the rest of his life. In February it was the end of the beginning; the end of his life of depression. During the next ten months, he lived life; a strange and hard one. He had seen more things in those ten months than he ever wants to see again. And now, this is the beginning of the end. As now he is living the last chapters of his life. It is a new beginning to the end of his life. And this beginning does not see an end in sight, but he knows that it is there, and when that time comes, he will old and gray, and for now, you can know for sure, that the struggle is over...

For Now...